Helpful Definitions: 

Qurbani ka bakra: sacrificial goat 

Rishta aunty: matchmaking mama 

Desi: Belonging to the South-Asian community 

Gora: Fair/Light-skinned. 

Chai: Black tea, often with milk. 

Quran: Holy Book in Islam. 

Hadith: sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). 

Fiqh: study of Islamic law; jurisprudence. 

Tajweed: Rules for reading Arabic. 

Hifz-ul-Quran: Memorization of the Quran by heart. 

Sahih Bukhari: compilation of hadith, considered to be the foremost of its kind. 

Roti: wheat flatbread. 

Nawafil: Non-compulsory prayer. 

Wudhu: Ablution; state of purification attained through ablution. 

Surah-tul-Baqara: longest surah (chapter) in the Quran. 

I have a secret to share with you. Don’t let them know, but in the minds of us rishta aunties, girls of ‘marriageable age’ in the South-Asian community are not actually human beings – they’re closer to a qurbani ka bakra to be led to the proverbial slaughter (that’s just an alternate pronunciation for the word altar – so much more symbolic) as soon as a rishta aunty finds her ‘attractive’, except the great part about desi girls is, it’s completely okay to criticize every aspect of their existence, because let’s face it, she’s almost your possession. To make the average rishta aunty’s arduous task a little easier, I’ve come up with a helpful application form for the many girls falling over each other to marry your 38-year old son Furqan who still lives in your basement.  

Eligibility Requirements: 

• Must be between 13-22 years of age, preferably on the lower end of the scale.  
• Have blonde eyes, blue hair, gora complexion. (Girl must stay out of the sun at all times and refrain from drinking chai as these can lead to tanning).  
• Height: 5 feet, 7 and a half inches (unless the prospective husband is shorter than that. In such a circumstance, girl must be at least 3” shorter than the man). 
• Must be between 90 and 100 lbs. Must not be higher than this, as that is obese. Also, must still have curves, as no man likes a girl without curves.  
• Have a Canadian, American, or British passport, and open to marrying in order to provide her husband with a ‘foreigner’ passport. 
• Well-versed in Quran, Hadith, Fiqh, Tajweed, have done Hifz-ul-Quran, have the Sahih Bukhari memorized by heart. Memorizing other ahadith texts is merely a bonus.  
• Minimum 10 years experience running a 5-star rated Michelin level restaurant, including Pakistani, Indian, Continental, Chinese, Thai, Malaysian, Inuit, Mormon, Malayalam and Mogadishu cuisine.  
• Must be able to make a perfectly round roti. (Note: a compass will be used to judge roundness – cutting out roti with a jar lid not permitted).  
• Roti making speed: 35 rotis per minute (rpm). 
• Must be comfortable making a 5-course meal to feed 100 people within 20 minutes, with a budget no larger than $25.   
• Must have perfect skin, long eyelashes, and long manicured hands. May wear makeup, but it can never look like she is wearing makeup.  
• Must have all body hair removed at all times. No tattoos and no piercings, except nose and ear. No visible birthmarks or ‘beauty’ spots (rather, ugly spots) allowed.  
• Must know all the latest fashion trends and dress like a cover-model, but never wear any colour or style her husband dislikes. 
• Pray 5 times a day, plus all nawaafil, always have wudhu and read Surah-tul-Baqrah daily 10 times, while praying for the welfare and success of her future husband.  
• Most ideally, have a medical degree, but otherwise PhD or triple Masters will also do. (Must not wish to work after marriage). 
• Want to have four or more kids. 
• Likes and dislikes: whatever her husband likes and dislikes. 
• Hobbies and Interests: whatever her husband says they are. 
• Aims in life: to be a wife.  

 So…who qualifies?